Monday, February 4, 2013

I Got Your Shelf Hangin'

elf on the shelf, elf after the shelf

Everyone can be famous these days just by posting something on the Internet so why should an enterprising elf be any different? This is my chance to tell my story and let everyone see behind the curtain or tree skirt as it were. Everyone knows the story of the Elf on the Shelf and what a wonderful BLAH BLAH BLAH. This is not that story. My story is different and it is most definitely NOT kid friendly. So put the kids to bed, close the blinds and get yourself an adult beverage and enjoy.

elf on the shelf, elf after the shelf
Ain't I adorable?
Now don't get me wrong, the job isn't all bad, on paper. I get to hang around all day and spy on kids and report back to Santa but that is about the point where it stops being fun. Every day I get moved somewhere new regardless of my like or dislike of my previous hiding spot. Thankfully the kids aren't allowed to touch me because it will make me lose my "Christmas magic". (Who writes this stuff??) I will say you gotta love parents who will use fear to keep their kids in line. I like the snitching part but the constant back and forth to the North Pole every night gets old quick. Luckily after Christmas we get to "disappear" and enjoy a nice holiday of our own before it's time to start cranking out the presents for next Christmas. An elf's life in reality is pretty damned miserable no matter how you look at it. I knew working full time making crappy toys for spoiled rotten children wasn't for me so I opted for the "shelf" gig hoping I would get lucky and my box would get stuck in a warehouse somewhere and I could just enjoy a long elf hibernation. It turns out that fate had a much more cruel plan in store for me. So there I was, just sitting in my box praying for another Christmas to pass without being forced into being the plaything of some SUV driving, PBR drinking, family game night playing, jump on the Elf bandwagon family, when out of nowhere I got snatched up and ripped out of the serenity of my little box and was thrust into forced servitude. FUCK! So much for a quiet holiday.
elf on the shelf, elf after the shelf, christmas treeelf on the shelf, elf after the shelf, christmas treeelf on the shelf, elf after the shelf, christmas tree
See new places they said, meet new people they said, expand Santa's empire they said, sounds fun right? Butterflies and angels can make great friends but every time I meet someone new, "BAM", I'm somewhere new. Smelly boot? Check. Inside an avalanche of excessive holiday overgifting? Check. I got lucky a couple of times, poor dog was never the same after that night. Joyriding was another lucky adventure, but like most great things in life, it sure didn't last.
 elf on the shelf, elf after the shelfelf on the shelf, elf after the shelfelf on the shelf, elf after the shelf
elf on the shelf, elf after the shelf
I blame them!
The holidays ended, and I should have received a small reprieve and been able to return to the North Pole, should being the operative word. Something went wrong with my elven magic and I wasn't able to transport myself back home. I don't know for sure what happened, but I think it has to do with these two assholes who "adopted" me. I think they might be leprechauns or maybe fairies because they seem to have some sort of "rainbow" magic that I am unfamiliar with. Whatever it is that happened, it seems I am stuck here, for now at least. Until I figure this shit out, I seem to have a lot of free time on my hands so this is going to serve as my outlet. Gotta run for now, I don't know how much they know and I can't afford to get busted. Stay tuned for more, this could turn out to be quite interesting.